The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
