I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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