anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
