My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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