It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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