I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
