you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
