saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
