my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
