a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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