his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
