Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
