if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
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