once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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