I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
