Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
