Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
