i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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