her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.