making cat noises will not fix the situation.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.