I faked an abortion last night.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
