YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
