Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
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She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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