then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How's your threesome situation going?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem