i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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