On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
