I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
