My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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