You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize