I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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