why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
