I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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