I will die if light touches me.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
