My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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