ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
