East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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