based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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