My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Your cock deserves a montage
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
