The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican