I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
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You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
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It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine