Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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