Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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