the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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