i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
