there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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