I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
