i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
