I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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