i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
