I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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