opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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