you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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