I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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