I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
