he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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