dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We left the knife in your bed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
