We won't sleep together?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
