There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
