I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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