I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
