My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
